I am finding it difficult to describe how exactly I feel about the recent retreat. There seem to be two ends between which I am vacillating, and it is dizzying. One of them is happiness. And as always, it is chiefly owed to the company of friends. The other is emptiness. Last night, it came upon me quite suddenly. I continued sitting in the room despite everyone having gone downstairs to laugh and chatter. Something felt amiss. Like a purpose. And I couldn’t be bothered with anything anymore. The entire program felt like a mundane performance. I was doing nothing but circling a tiny stage.