But how is it possible, that circumstances should come to bring us together, when I had decided months ago that I no longer had any interest in this matter? I had given up, moved on to other endeavors more capable of being surmounted. But of course, maybe, there would always remain that strain of want in me, that man can never really vanquish from himself; and I really am still interested in the matter.
This afternoon, I neither wanted to stand, nor to sit, nor to lie, nor to keep awake or fall asleep, nor to think, to be conscious, nor to judge and worry about being judged, nor concern my energies with the future, whom forever presents a chore. All that changed tonight. Tonight, I feel slightly better than in the afternoon. That is how melancholy works; it comes and goes whenever it wishes – sometimes, you try to fight it, and it stubbornly refuses to go away, while other times, you let it be, you let it laugh at you sinking in your misery, and suddenly, it becomes bored and leaves.
I suppose I was the one who antagonized first; but also without being quite conspicuous. So perhaps, no one had really noticed my antagonizing, and all I perceived as a backlash was merely a construction of my imagination. Still, I shouldn’t have to be so hostile. It never serves anyone any good.