Had a dream where the dream agent told me what it is that I really want, that will return to me the happiness I once possessed. But it was only a dream; and no matter how much more I slept and tried to stay in it, I knew that it was purely ephemera.
I am a normal person, who talks in normal vernacular, who goes out normally, who stays home normally, who does thing that are normal, and thinks things that are normal. But I also do not think that I am normal.
Perhaps I should stop talking to you altogether. This thought struck me late last night as I lay in bed and recalled our day’s conversation. The problem is that we are talking on the phone all too much; and I’m afraid that if we should meet, we wouldn’t know what to say to each other. Talking on the phone is quite different from talking in person. (These past few days, I feel like I’ve forgotten how to speak to people.) Then I think that I should ask you out again, except this time we should do something more interesting than a dull lunch in a dull restaurant. Maybe then we will have a more lively time together, and be able to live out the conversations we have through the phone.
I feel like I am too lazy to accomplish anything. Someone tells me that I have to do something, and that it will benefit me, but still I refuse to do it. I’d rather sit on my chair and write stupid things. Maybe that was the reason why I left my previous school; because I was too lazy to learn something I didn’t like and wasn’t good at. Then a friend said to me, albeit jocosely: you’ll get nowhere in life if you’re lazy. And I thought, if only you knew that that is precisely the reason why I have nowhere, that I have hitherto been a failure at all trades.
I keep telling myself that I am going to write a book, that it’s the only way to find a meaningful purpose, and to keep all the dissenters away; to show people that I am not actually a lazy and obtuse person. But I haven’t even started on it. I have an idea; no, I have many ideas, all of which are too miserly for the paper, and all of which I do not possess the aptitude to dramatize.